Last Will and Testament of Yasser Arafat
By Angela Bertz
I, Muhammad Abd A-Rahman 'Abd A-Rauf Arafat Al-Qudwah Al-Husseini, Yassir Arafat, nom de guerre, Abu 'Ammar, Chairman and President of Palestine, born in Jerusalem, August 4 1929 and being of sound mind and body hereby declare my last will and testament as follows:
To my lovely wife Suha Arafat, first lady of Palestine, I leave the sum of 6.5 billion dollars. This is in gratitude of your years of loyal support and how unselfishly you always blamed everything on those Israelis. You were indeed a shining light to a million Palestinian women who strived, even on a much reduced budget to emulate your Parisian charm and sophistication.
Before I bequeath the rest of my humble belongings let me take this opportunity to put the records straight. For years the Zionist entity and its supporters have spewed out their fabricated tales and accused me of amassing great fortunes through corrupt and ill gotten gains. They even had the audacity to accuse me of stealing aid money donated by my very good friends in the UN, EU and New Zealand government. These are simply vicious lies concocted by the Zionists to demean our noble armed struggle, for which I have devoted my whole life.
Mr. Chris Patten himself could find no evidence of funds being diverted. This should be enough for even the most skeptical among you.
The fact is that during my siege in Ramallah I was able to increase my earning power by running an exclusive little crèche for precious pre-school Palestinian infants. The Zionists fighters with their misguided sense of moral duty would never have targeted a hair on my body, for fear of harming one of the little ones sitting on my knee. In addition I earned considerable sums by giving private English lessons to the ministers, especially those that hoped to succeed me. My most important lesson was the mastery of condemning each (heroic) attack against Israel for the world's media. My tearful performances, backed with four years of practice have indeed convinced the world of my good intentions to the war mongering Zionists, who not only refused to deal with me in the end, but lets face it have never seriously sought peace.
To Hannan Ashrawi, Palestine's passionate first daughter, I leave the Persian rug in the front room that you always admired. I hope you will be able to get the stains out. Please feel free to mention my name if you ever manage to get it past any of the humiliating Zionist check points to "Persian Power Cleaners" in Gaza. They are excellent and if their business has not been bulldozed by the evil occupying forces I have left instructions for them to give you a 10% discount.
To the former President of the great USA, Jimmy Carter, I bequeath a small patch of peanuts. I have carefully nurtured them in a corner of my compound for the last two years. Your support for our struggle touched me deeply, as did your great love of peanuts. This little batch should be ready for its first harvest by 2006, providing of course the marauding Zionists dont trample it by then with their tanks. You may of course consider erecting a wall around it to safeguard the crop. I have already patented the nuts under the name of "Georgia Jimmy's Nuts", file # 1 at the Palestinian Patent office. I hope the nuts will bring you a nice return and please feel free to use the profits next time you run for President of the USA.
To the Mosque Mufti's of Palestine I leave you all a set of brand new loudspeakers. Many of you had been bemoaning the fact that it was increasingly difficult to get your message out to the ordinary Palestinian in the street due to the terrible condition of your current speakers. Of course I agree it is important that they are reminded constantly about the Zionists being the "Sons and daughters of Satan", as well as monkeys and pigs. I was especially alarmed that a Mufti recently suggested the people had heard the word "Prince" instead of "Pig". We all know how important it is to get the right message out. To this end I have placed a large order with an excellent wholesaler just outside Pyongyang, North Korea. Our good friends in North Korea have assured delivery by the beginning of 2005. I also have their assurance that their products are made from locally available materials, are excellent value and contain no Zionist technology.
To the schools of Palestine I leave $50 with your head teachers to buy you all sweets not to many of course. This is to commemorate my greatness and how lucky you all were to have had such a powerful and caring leader. Since the Zionists built the wall we have had less to celebrate, but remember my little Palestinian soldier's that even from the grave I am concerned for your well being. Many of you are going to be around till you are at least 18 and I want all my future Shahid's (martyrs) to go bravely, remembered by their parents for their sacrifice to the cause and not for the burden you placed on your poor unemployed fathers by leaving huge dental bills.
To the Kindergartens of Palestine I leave pots of red paint. How I wish I could see you all hold up your sweet little red painted hands. May you all remember that glorious day when your faithful and fearless fathers captured the Zionist soldiers and tore them limb to limb, bloodying their hands so you could relive their glory.
To the caring charity organizations of Hamas, Al Aksa, PFLP and Islamic Jihad I leave you some lovely knitted face hoods for the winter. This had been a wonderful scheme I organized with some of your very own mothers and sisters. These wonderful women and girls have for months been tirelessly spinning the wool from the family sheep. This has been an immense burden to some women, who have not only been separated from their olive trees by the Zionists apartheid wall but also from their family sheep. I know it will be a problem for some of you to pick up the hoods as you wish to keep a low profile. I suggest you send some little children who are always so happy to help with good causes.
To Chris Patten, my most wonderful benefactor I name a soup kitchen in your honour. This lovely little kitchen is a delight. I have of course been lucky with so much free time enabling me to grow some of the vegetables. This little kitchen close to my compound feeds many sweet little children, who never seem to mind all the grown ups milling around them. How brave they are when the Zionists start firing their bullets into these kitchens. Some of them even race out with a rock in their weak little hands to throw at the mighty Zionist tanks. Of course you can only imagine the damage this has done to the kitchen and we are now hoping that when we receive your next 12 billion dollars in aid money that the budget will stretch to a new saucepan for "The Chris Patten kitchen".
To Kofi Annan I leave a Palestinian flag. I made it from a beautiful needlepoint design. I hope you will receive it swiftly after my death and be able to fly it, as you always promised at half mast in recognition of my illustrious and glorious deeds.
To Barbara Plett, the brave BBC reporter I leave a little silk handkerchief. Next time you cry for this frail old man do so into this little keepsake. I embroidered it myself with my own initials.
To my nation of Palestine
Angela Bertz - Israel
Reprinted by permission.